As a gay man, I was thrilled when The Boyfriend cMe out (and I even wrote an article on my substack), because it was refreshing to see a dating show that was douchebag free, and mainly consisted of nice guys.
it is a Japanese gay dating show on Netflix, it was very hyped a month ago, and it has a very interesting format, which I think is also refreshing, compared to traditional dating programs
I really need to rewatch 500 days of summer😅. I thought it was a cute romcoms and I just remember I liked that movie when I watched it as a teen. I wasn't really aware of nice guys yet at the time and I also was trying to convince myself I was straight so that might have clouded my judgement.
Just thinking about the Nice Guys now while reading your entire post is making me angry. I 100% agree. They are the worse kind. Just feeling they are entitled to a woman because they think they are nice. Usually they are not even really nice!
To be fair it’s still a good movie (great soundtrack etc)! It hasn’t aged as badly as Rachel-getting-off-the-plane imo 😂 Glad it’s not just me who finds the Nice Guy trope maddening!!
Oh yes that's it. Good soundtracks are my kryptonite. It's probably what made it a good movie for me at the time. And haha a million yeses on the Rachel scene. A lot hasnt aged too well 😂
This is such a great read. As someone who worked in bars for a looong time, I've got a pretty good Nice Guy vs nice guy radar. Typically, I've found the actually nice guys to not have any level of entitlement and they're willing to recognise the threat they pose to women simply by existing near them (the "not all men" issue comes to mind here). Their counterparts, on the other hand...
Thank you!! Oh man, I’ve been there before with the bar job 😆 Exactly—the good ones just acknowledge the imbalance in the world and try their best to close that gap. It doesn’t have to be heroic, it’s just a hundred small choices you make every day
I recently read another article on the difference between pretending to respect women and actually respecting women. [The Men who like women and the men who don't. Yes we can tell.] by @CelesteDavis
I think most of the "I'm a nice guy" comes from your own perspective that you are perfect. While, in the end, we all have flaws. We will never be perfect. And working on those imperfections for a better relationship is what should make you a good boy/girlfriend/partner. And definetly not thinking you are already perfect and then (as you say) blame others for not seeing how perfect you are.
Oooh that article sounds great—I'll give it a read!
Absolutely—and also just taking things too aggressively or personally. I was single for 7 years and wanted a partner for a lot of that time. But so much of that was either circumstance, or choices I was making (going for the wrong type of person, or hanging around for too long after I'd come to that conclusion). I think when we go around blaming the world for our loneliness, it can easily become a vicious cycle. Being a good person (which is much more attractive to others) starts from within!
I read an interesting book on relationships (in general). It said that if you are not reliant on the other person's opinion of you, you are in a true relationship.
In the romantic scene, if you constantly search for validation of how perfect you are, you will end up very sad (which happens with "the nice guys"). On the other hand, if someone isn't afraid of sharing their feelings, emotions, struggles, and passions because of how it will be perceived, that's attractive (both for finding friends & romantic partners). When looking back at the "nice guy", the overall pattern is that they need constant feedback that they are doing a great job. They do not seem honest and genuine which leads to a relationship build on lies which in the end leads to a lot of tears.
Oh, I agree so much with seeing the attraction in someone's vulnerability! I also think there's an expectation with people who want to be perceived as "perfect" that it's what they expect of others, too. It all feels quite conditional!
I was once in love with a nice guy. He was very nice until he made a rape apologist comment when he was extremely drunk. Another one told me that #MeToo revelations about his favorite actors is ruining his movie-watching experience.
Exactly. I am a "nice girl" too. I am up for debating on most stuff, but violence against women is where I draw the line. Even if you make the slightest rape apologist comment you are out of my life.
As a gay man, I was thrilled when The Boyfriend cMe out (and I even wrote an article on my substack), because it was refreshing to see a dating show that was douchebag free, and mainly consisted of nice guys.
Omg how have I not heard of this show?? It sounds SO much better 😍
it is a Japanese gay dating show on Netflix, it was very hyped a month ago, and it has a very interesting format, which I think is also refreshing, compared to traditional dating programs
Oh wait I think I have heard of this!! Okay I need to watch 🤗
I really need to rewatch 500 days of summer😅. I thought it was a cute romcoms and I just remember I liked that movie when I watched it as a teen. I wasn't really aware of nice guys yet at the time and I also was trying to convince myself I was straight so that might have clouded my judgement.
Just thinking about the Nice Guys now while reading your entire post is making me angry. I 100% agree. They are the worse kind. Just feeling they are entitled to a woman because they think they are nice. Usually they are not even really nice!
To be fair it’s still a good movie (great soundtrack etc)! It hasn’t aged as badly as Rachel-getting-off-the-plane imo 😂 Glad it’s not just me who finds the Nice Guy trope maddening!!
Oh yes that's it. Good soundtracks are my kryptonite. It's probably what made it a good movie for me at the time. And haha a million yeses on the Rachel scene. A lot hasnt aged too well 😂
I know, I'm the same! If the music/score is good, I'm already halfway won over 😆
This is such a great read. As someone who worked in bars for a looong time, I've got a pretty good Nice Guy vs nice guy radar. Typically, I've found the actually nice guys to not have any level of entitlement and they're willing to recognise the threat they pose to women simply by existing near them (the "not all men" issue comes to mind here). Their counterparts, on the other hand...
Thank you!! Oh man, I’ve been there before with the bar job 😆 Exactly—the good ones just acknowledge the imbalance in the world and try their best to close that gap. It doesn’t have to be heroic, it’s just a hundred small choices you make every day
I think you make an interesting point at the end.
I recently read another article on the difference between pretending to respect women and actually respecting women. [The Men who like women and the men who don't. Yes we can tell.] by @CelesteDavis
I think most of the "I'm a nice guy" comes from your own perspective that you are perfect. While, in the end, we all have flaws. We will never be perfect. And working on those imperfections for a better relationship is what should make you a good boy/girlfriend/partner. And definetly not thinking you are already perfect and then (as you say) blame others for not seeing how perfect you are.
Oooh that article sounds great—I'll give it a read!
Absolutely—and also just taking things too aggressively or personally. I was single for 7 years and wanted a partner for a lot of that time. But so much of that was either circumstance, or choices I was making (going for the wrong type of person, or hanging around for too long after I'd come to that conclusion). I think when we go around blaming the world for our loneliness, it can easily become a vicious cycle. Being a good person (which is much more attractive to others) starts from within!
Yes!
I read an interesting book on relationships (in general). It said that if you are not reliant on the other person's opinion of you, you are in a true relationship.
In the romantic scene, if you constantly search for validation of how perfect you are, you will end up very sad (which happens with "the nice guys"). On the other hand, if someone isn't afraid of sharing their feelings, emotions, struggles, and passions because of how it will be perceived, that's attractive (both for finding friends & romantic partners). When looking back at the "nice guy", the overall pattern is that they need constant feedback that they are doing a great job. They do not seem honest and genuine which leads to a relationship build on lies which in the end leads to a lot of tears.
Oh, I agree so much with seeing the attraction in someone's vulnerability! I also think there's an expectation with people who want to be perceived as "perfect" that it's what they expect of others, too. It all feels quite conditional!
I was once in love with a nice guy. He was very nice until he made a rape apologist comment when he was extremely drunk. Another one told me that #MeToo revelations about his favorite actors is ruining his movie-watching experience.
Oh wooooooow 🫠 Funny how they’re almost always annoyed at society for ruining their entertainment…not the actual person who’s a piece of shit!
Exactly. I am a "nice girl" too. I am up for debating on most stuff, but violence against women is where I draw the line. Even if you make the slightest rape apologist comment you are out of my life.
I think that's a very fair line to draw! 👏
ugh..yeah. he gave me the creeps.