Is the Nice Guy in the room with us?
As Love is Blind UK hits our screens, a tired trait makes a comeback...
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I’m a little late to the party, but I began watching the UK version of Love is Blind this week after being recommended it by at least three friends (you know the rule, if more than two people tell you you’ll love something, you have to believe them).
The show is predictably frustrating in all the best ways. People leap from one “true love” to the next after getting metaphorically custard-pied (not because they want to stay on the telly!!). People get unreasonably irritated with each other as soon as the adrenaline of the ‘pods’ wears off. People blurt out major, life-altering opinions that leave their new fiance baulking (shout out to my guy Tom who thinks being a makeup artist isn’t a proper job even though he works in...PR).
Of course, with shows like Love is Blind, Too Hot to Handle and Love Island, to hate these people is to watch these people. These shows aren’t fun if those involved are all nice, kind and morally sound. We crave the drama of betrayal, the twist of heartache, the hollowness of unrequited longing. Many of us have lived through these emotions, and we get a sick kind of satisfaction from watching others suffer the same—of knowing we’re not alone.
But there’s one trait that I really can’t abide anymore, and it’s that of the self-professed Nice Guy. In this season’s Love is Blind UK, this comes in the form of Sam Klein, a 31-year-old project design manager living in London who apparently “has a lot of love to give”.
Immediately, we’re made aware of Sam’s insecurities because he tells them to us candidly. He was unhappy with his appearance so he had a nose job. He felt unattractive in his body so he made great efforts in the gym. Most people on the planet can relate to feelings of physical inadequacy at some point in their lives, but my problem is when those feelings of inadequacy begin to weave themselves into ideas about women and what they owe you. Namely, you feel entitled to women’s affection. And if you don’t get it, it makes you angry.
I’ve always held up a severely raised eyebrow at any man who explicitly calls himself a Nice Guy because they nearly always end up being the opposite. Looking at you, Ross Geller. What I find most abhorrent about the Nice Guy over, say, an open chauvinist, is the way they feel like wolves in sheep’s clothing. A lothario who struts around the bottle service area of a club is at least showcasing who he is upfront, making him easily avoidable. People like Sam pretend to like and respect women, only to become the most calculated, misogynistic and sinister of them all.
In an Independent article on Nice Guys, Rachel Hosie writes of this particular thread of thinking: “The idea is that if you meet someone’s needs without them having to ask, they should meet yours. Ergo if a man is nice to a woman, she should repay him by becoming his girlfriend.”
In this way, Nice Guy thinking is actually only a stone’s throw away from incel (aka involuntary celibate) culture, where young men feel it’s women’s fault that they’re unable to engage in the act of sex or romance. As a result, they end up blaming, objectifying and - in some cases - physically hurting or even killing women.
“Instead of boiling over and yelling, why won’t women love me!? Perhaps ask why don’t women love me?”
When Jasmine, the object of Sam’s desire, calmly tells him she feels as though he may just be telling her things she wants to hear, his anger is obvious: “This is getting ridiculous. Honestly, shall I just give up? Maybe I’m meant to be with no one”. One moment of vulnerability and doubt from the woman he claims to care for, and suddenly the whole world is against him.
Later, when Jasmine decides she feels emotionally safer with another connection, Sam leaves the pod by throwing his glass of drink to the floor in a rage. He then lays on the floor and yells “I’m a fucking MUG.”
Erm, is the Nice Guy in the room with us?
Obviously it’s frustrating when our affection for someone isn’t shared. It’s happened to me plenty of times (without throwing things, I might add), but the healthier thing to do is look inwards. Instead of boiling over and yelling, why won’t women love me!? Perhaps ask why don’t women love me? Why don’t women feel emotionally safe with me? Why do they feel as though I’m untrustworthy? Am I untrustworthy? How can I work on bettering myself on the inside, rather than the outside?
Hilariously, five minutes or so after his angry explosion, Sam says to-camera that, actually, he always liked another girl anyway. He then spends the rest of the show pressuring this other girl to choose him to disastrous effect. You can’t help but feel he’s rather proven Jasmine’s point about simply telling her things she wants to hear. I’m reminded a little of pick-up artistry, but if I go down that rabbit hole, we’ll be here all day…
It’s safe to say that if a pattern is forming in which women don’t want to share affection or be romantic with you, there’s a probably valid reason for that. And no, it’s likely not the shape of your nose or the absence of abs. Just because you’re not throwing the glass in front of us, doesn’t mean we can’t feel that energy coming from you. And just because you tell us you’re a Nice Guy, doesn’t make you a nice guy.
Re-watching Sam in Love is Blind transported me back to the era of 500 Days of Summer where everyone called Summer a huge bitch for…checks notes…not fancying a guy who fancied her. A guy who also incidentally says things like “Why is it pretty girls think they can treat people like crap,” before he’s even said a word to her, and also screams at the top of his lungs on public transport because he’s heard a song that reminds him of her. If that’s boyfriend material, I’ll go naked, thanks.
Back in 2009 when the film was released, the debate around the Nice Guy versus the Manic Pixie Dream Girl was at least an engaging one, simply because it was less trodden. In 2024, though, I think it’s safe to say we’re over it. I’m over hearing men who clearly hate women profess how much they love women, only to throw a tantrum when they don’t get what they want. I’m over men seeing affection as transaction.
Love might be blind, but Sam Klein - and other Nice Guys like him - show their true colours all too clearly.
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As a gay man, I was thrilled when The Boyfriend cMe out (and I even wrote an article on my substack), because it was refreshing to see a dating show that was douchebag free, and mainly consisted of nice guys.
I really need to rewatch 500 days of summer😅. I thought it was a cute romcoms and I just remember I liked that movie when I watched it as a teen. I wasn't really aware of nice guys yet at the time and I also was trying to convince myself I was straight so that might have clouded my judgement.
Just thinking about the Nice Guys now while reading your entire post is making me angry. I 100% agree. They are the worse kind. Just feeling they are entitled to a woman because they think they are nice. Usually they are not even really nice!