32 things I’ve learned at 32
It’s my birthday which means I’m especially wise now!
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By the time this newsletter goes live, it will be my thirty-second birthday! I always feel reflective on this day, but this year particularly so.
I’m putting a lot of blind faith into the year ahead that it will be better than the one just gone. For me, thirty-one was hard. I struggled to find work. I struggled with my mental health. I struggled with my father’s illness. I struggled with the relentless British cloud cover. I felt lonely, unlovable, exhausted and uncreative.
And yet, the worst years always seem to breed the most wisdom. There’s a reason writers tend to produce some of their best work when they’re unhappy. Didion after the death of her husband John. Plath amid her depression. Taddeo after being made an orphan. We suddenly find the words, the knowledge, the empathy. We understand ourselves that little bit more deeply and talk to ourselves that little bit more kindly. We hold onto simple things - a good book, a country walk, the spray of the sea, a call from a friend - like a buoy or a flare.
Certain things shrink in their insignificance. Other things expand.
For me, a bad year also offers the glimmering promise of something better. Like spectacularly burning the meal you spent hours making, there’s likely to be some improvement the second time around. So, though no one can promise me it, I’m holding out hope that thirty-two will be a far more decadent and delicious meal than my last attempt.
In the spirit of being reflective and a touch more knowledgeable, I thought this week I’d share some of the aforementioned wisdom I’ve accumulated from my mostly-lovely sometimes-difficult life up til now. If you reach the end, you’ll find I’ve asked a small favour in return…
Without further ado, here are thirty-two things I’ve learned at thirty-two.
It’s just as bad to arrive really early as it is to arrive really late.
Don’t get too swept up in skincare “miracles” or TikTok dermatology advice. Invest in the stuff that’s proven to work: retinoids and SPF.
If you’re able to, spend time with your parents. Get to know them. Ask them unprompted, out-of-the-blue questions. Take videos of them so you can hear their voices whenever you need them. Make sure they know how much they mean to you, because life is brutally short.
Book your cervical smear test the day you get the letter. If you hate the procedure, indulge yourself in a treat afterwards.
Never feel embarrassed for the love you’ve shown others. No matter how it’s received, love given is never something to be ashamed of. Going through life pretending to love less than you do to save face is no way to live. Better to love loudly and take risks than stifle how you feel. How others respond to that love is on them, not you.
You can train yourself out of being messy. And it’s worth doing.
Become okay with being embarrassing. Start a Substack (nyello), announce on LinkedIn that you need work, ask someone out and get rejected. Unfortunately for an introvert like me, life’s best really does tend to occur outside your comfort zone.
Floss your teeth daily and never be afraid of a dentist visit again.
Find a form of exercise you can do without hating every moment. Over the years, people have tried to encourage me to start running (horrible) or join them at the gym (even worse). Why would I do that when I love hiking and horse riding?
Drink less alcohol. Smoke fewer cigarettes.
Become comfortable in your own company. If you can travel, eat out or start a hobby alone, the world opens up immeasurably. And you’ll begin to feel less lonely as a result.
Don’t spread your friendships too thinly. Figure out which friendships are raw, beautiful and genuine and concentrate your energy on making them last forever.
Let go of the idea that women become less attractive after they turn 30. None of my female friends (or myself, for that matter) have ever looked better than they do right now—you can stop worrying.
The decision of whether to have children and when to do it will always be terrifying. But it’s terrifying for all of us, and happiness and fulfilment are waiting for us no matter the outcome.
Read books. There are books out there that have genuinely changed my soul. They cost so little for what they give us, and they are the best escape I’ve ever known when life is at its hardest.
If possible, live in another country for a while—even if it’s just for a few months in a flat swap. I lived in Paris for only a handful of months during my Masters and it’s still one of the most memorable, exhilarating things I’ve ever done.
Lean into your weird obsessions and hobbies, even if they’re exceptionally uncool. I absolutely salivate over Tudor history and National Trust houses. Both bring me so much joy!
Don’t ghost people unless it’s very obvious why they deserve it.
Cry! Cry often. Cry at happy things and sad things. Cry at films and music. Cry at weddings and elderly men with terriers. Cry over the loss of someone. Cry over things you’ve gained. Your body and brain get a kick out of shedding tears, so don’t deny them what they want.
Faking orgasms breeds fake orgasms. Stop the cycle.
Don’t try to make specifically delicious and unhealthy things (tiramisu, carbonara, guacamole etc) healthy. Just make them well and eat them less often.
Separate your daily to-do list into four sections: work, creative, admin and wellness. It’s easier to visualise when you’re neglecting a singular area, as all are important for a happy, healthy life.
No matter what problem I’m facing, whether it’s a problem at work or a loved one having cancer, I’ve yet to take a walk that didn’t make me feel at least a bit better. The more rural and secluded you can make it, the better you’ll feel.
Use the Pomodoro method to get work done if you’re distracted or stressed about your workload.
If you’re feeling insecure about your body, swipe off Instagram and go somewhere where diverse bodies are abundant. Swimming pools, saunas, beaches. You begin to realise there are actually many more of us who fall outside the Perfect Online Body than those who fall inside it. And in the real world, it feels so much less valuable.
Be kind to animals, children and the natural world.
Avoid “trending” tattoos. Even the edgiest, prettiest design will begin to look dated if everyone else has it. Choose something you like, sit on it for a year or two, then pull the trigger.
Don’t continue to have sex with anyone who’s less kind towards you the following morning.
Say yes to things as much as you can. As someone who loves routine, I often find myself a bit too comforted by sameness. But it’s important to sometimes force yourself to shake things up.
There is happiness after grief. When my close friend died by suicide when I was in my early twenties, I thought I’d never be able to live another day without the unbearable weight of it. Gradually though, you reshape your life, that love and who you are. And one day, inexplicably, you find that you’re happy again.
As much as you can, reprogramme your brain to see life as more than a quest to find romantic love. If someone were to tell you that you’d never meet someone, what would you do next? Travel, paint, start a business? Do it anyway. Chances are love will find you, and when it does, life will be all the more colourful.
A bad year doesn’t mean a bad life.
I love the range here! I'm only 27, but if I had to add one thing to my own list, it would be to KEEP READING. Learning doesn't stop after you get a degree. And I truly believe reading widely helps you understand the world and people around you a little more 🫶
I just turned 38 and wrote a few of my own. This so far is the most crucial
the thing you don’t say will eat you up inside. so do shame and guilt. find a way to say the things out loud.