You need fewer friends than you think

And yes, there is supposedly a "perfect" number...

If you enjoy this newsletter, consider pressing the ❤️ button at the end of the article. It allows more people to find my work!

---

When we were in our mid-twenties, my oldest friend and I would host a yearly party. It was a silly tradition. We’d make everyone dress up in full football kit, get completely drunk in the middle of the day, and force everyone to play a football tournament. The rules (much to the aggravation of my regular five-aside-attending male friends) were absolute. Only girls could attempt to score goals, and we were all terrible at football. That was, of course, the whole point.   

By the time the football party was in its fifth year, we had nearly fifty people come. Fifty idiots stumbling around a South London park, sides splitting with laughter, booting the ball in the wrong direction. When the pandemic happened, we took the year off. And then the next. When my friend finally suggested we do it again for our joint 30th birthday, I hesitated. Not because the idea was no longer hilarious to me, but because we simply didn’t have that many friends anymore.   

There was no way we could pull together a crowd of that size—all our lives had spilled out in so many different directions. And anything less than fifty attendees would make us look like our popularity had tanked.

Wouldn’t it? 

Why do we shed friendships as we age?

We’re conditioned to believe that more friends = popularity, which again = coolness, kindness, and even goodness. It’s in the movies we watch and the books we read. The Cool Kids are surrounded by enamoured friends, they host huge parties, they’re rarely (if ever) alone. Because of this, when we lose friendships or spend more time alone - whether gradually or suddenly - it can feel very personal, even scary. It can feel as though we are becoming unpopular. But it’s actually very common as we age. 

“Popular” Blair Waldorf was frequently lonely in Gossip Girl

Many factors can change friendships, but it’s particularly noticeable as we exit our twenties and land in our thirties. There’s a bigger divide with where people are in their lives. In one’s twenties, you could mostly count on your peers to be doing similar things: partying, travelling, figuring out your career. In your thirties, you can no longer count on this. One friend parties while the other changes nappies. One friend can’t make rent while another is made a company partner.   

But it’s not just social or lifestyle factors. Our politics also play a big part in distancing us from old friends. As our morals and beliefs become more solidified as we age, we’re less likely to turn a blind eye to political views we disagree with. I myself once ended a friendship with someone who proudly voted for Brexit. It felt bold at the time. Now, I’d do that sort of thing in a heartbeat.   

Why fewer friends can make us happier

The good news is that shedding friendships might actually improve our lives, rather than disrupt them. For women especially, studies show that for maximum happiness, women only need three to five friends. For some people, I’m sure that still sounds like a lot. For others, though, it will be far far fewer.

When we remove the idea of ‘popularity’, it’s easier to look at friendships objectively. How many of our friends do we feel truly loved by? How many can we rely on in desperately hard times? How many do we trust to be there when we’re old and tired, and the concept of ‘coolness’ has well and truly faded? 

When I read the study on the optimal number of friends, I felt just a little bit smug. Because, though I no longer have the social stature to gather fifty people together in my honour, I do have exactly five friends who I feel truly loved by, and who I know will be there for the rest of my life. It’s comforting to know that, as long as I continue to love and support them back (which I fully intend to do and has long become second nature) I have everything I need for happiness. 

Sex and the City: the perfect number of friends?

So, do we need to start culling all our excess friendships? 

In a word: no. Of course not! Having three to five good friends doesn’t need to come at the cost of eliminating the rest. Not every friend you have needs to be a sister or soulmate—it’s only a matter of not neglecting the ones who are. What’s more, some of us will still not have met the friends that will become nothing short of family. Life is to be lived with an open heart and open arms, after all.

But, for me at least, it’s useful to know that spreading our friendships too thinly in order to feel physically surrounded typically makes us feel less loved, rather than more. And that fifty - or even a hundred - acquaintances is no match for a handful of hard-earned, deeply loving friendships.

I think this also helps us to realise that, in terms of friendships, if it’s not a fuck yes, it can be a no. And that no isn’t the end of the world.    

For more writing, poetry and pics, follow me on Instagram @alannaduffield