Ranking the men from Titanic in order of rizz

For journalism

Whenever things get too serious or introspective here on SILT, I like to throw in the occasional Playdough Post, for those weeks where your brain is little more than colourful, glutinous goo. There was the time I wrote an 800-word homage to curtains (the hairstyle), for example. Or when I decided I was going to start fainting in the name of feminism. 

Last week was particularly serious and introspective. For my birthday, I wrote a list of 32 life learnings and my subscribers kindly added many of their own in the comments. But, in hindsight, it occurred to me that I’d missed one of the most crucial learnings of my third decade so far—an epiphany that I’m now ready to admit to myself and others: that James Cameron’s Titanic is the single greatest film ever made.

When I was in my twenties, I had a self-approved list of films I’d reel off when people asked for my favourites. And - as we all tend to do - I’d carefully selected the crème de la crème of films that would win me the most cool points. The Exorcist. Moonlight. Brokeback Mountain. Seven. The Shawshank Redemption. The Green Mile. The Silence of the Lambs. Call Me By Your Name.

Now, I wasn’t exactly lying. I love each of these films. I’ve seen them all at least three times or more. But do you want to know how many times I’ve watched Titanic? Well, I can’t tell you because I lost count at around twenty. From the score to the romantic chemistry to the faultless special effects, I won’t hear a bad word about any of it. 

One thing Cameron does particularly well is the development of the supporting characters. You end up hating almost as many people as you love. Working class heroes and spineless, wormy millionaires. It’s all part of Titanic’s rich tapestry. 

So, for this week’s piece, I’ve decided to create another incredibly important piece of discourse: ranking the male characters from Titanic in order of rizz. 

Now, a few caveats before we start:

• If I’d included both men and women, this newsletter would be 2,000 words long. So for now, I’ve stuck to men. But I would be remiss not to shout out the embodiment of rizz: Margaret “Molly” Brown aka Kathy Bates. 

• I’m basing this list purely on the film characters. I’ve heard many of them were made overly villainous for the purposes of entertainment, so no disrespect to the real people behind the characters. 

• “Rizz”, for anyone not familiar, is an abbreviation for charisma. Rizz is not as simple as being good-looking or eloquent; it’s more the effortless aura of confidence, bravery and attraction you give off. 

Okay. Let’s begin…

13. Bruce Ismay
    We begin with the bottom of the barrel: Bruce Ismay. If we go by plot alone, his small dick syndrome is basically the reason Titanic sinks, which is objectively very funny. He also gets in a lifeboat at the end which, as a man in the Titanic universe, is the ultimate sin. Rizz equals self-sacrifice. Get back out there and die.

12. Quartermaster Rowe
    No matter how much peril you are in, NO ONE tells Kathy Bates to “shut that hole in your face”, especially when it comes to adding more children to a lifeboat with excessive amounts of legroom. Hate this guy. No rizz. Chuck him overboard. 

11. Caledon Hockley
    Probably the only man with curtains that I’ve ever loathed. There are many reasons why Cal has absolutely zero rizz. Throwing a table across the room to frighten his fiance is a big one. But there’s something about his voice cracking as he yells, “I hope you enjoy your time together,” to Jack and Rose that’s particularly pathetic. He also gets in a lifeboat. Unforgivable stuff.

10. Lewis Bodine
    Gets absolutely smoked by old granny Rose with the “Thank you for your fine forensic analysis, Mr Bodine. The experience of it was…somewhat different.” He does, however, get one rizz point for looking as though he’s changed his flippant, forensic ways by the end. 

9. Brock Lovett
   I don’t think there’s nearly enough outrage over the fact that Brock Lovett is essentially burgling the Titanic shipwreck and that, if he finds the squillion-pound Heart of the Ocean necklace, it’s just going to be…his? It’s giving British Museum. He does fully learn the error of his ways though, so we’ll chuck him a couple of rizz points for looking like Bon Jovi.

8. Spicer Lovejoy
   Look, sometimes you can be both rizzy and insufferable. Two things can be true at once. From his sarcy comment about Jack untying his shoes to carrying a loaded gun on what is essentially a glorified cruise, we can’t deny there is a good deal of rizz present within Spicer Lovejoy 

7. Captain Edward John Smith
   Mixed feelings about the captain. Part of me thinks I’ve got Old Man Sympathy where just because someone is old and grey, I feel compassion for them. A lot of the blame rests on his shoulders (ignoring iceberg warnings and absolutely flooring it to New York), but his going down with the ship is heart-wrenching stuff. And he does look like Captain Birdseye. 

6. Archibald Gracie
   “We are dressed in our best and are prepared to go down as gentlemen”. Hilarious. Camp. Reeks of rizz.

5. Fabrizio de Rossi
   The king of consent: Fabrizio wins me over every time for asking if he can merely place a hand on a woman’s waist while they dance a jig. We also have to commend him for not being arsed that his one friend on the ship leaves him almost immediately for a woman he’s just met. Like what is Fabrizio even up to while Jack and Rose are shagging in cars and clambering up the ship’s rigging? Something rizzy, no doubt.      

4. Thomas Andrews
   Honestly, by the end of the film, I fancy Mr Andrews almost as much as Jack Dawson. The honest, open face. One of about two men in the entire film who are actually nice to Rose. The devastation and blame that he shoulders over the sinking. The fact that he tried to add more lifeboats and was overruled. Justice for Mr Andrews who “wouldn’t even make a try for it”.

3. Harold Lowe
   I have two words for you: “Come abouuttttttttttttttttt”. My breath is catching in my throat even as I think about it. Harold Lowe: the only person who goes back for survivors. The one who insists they keep checking the bodies in case there are some left alive. The sound of Rose’s whistle. His doe-eyes. The rizz!! The heroism!!

2. Jack Dawson
   I’m trying to narrow down what I believe is Jack Dawson’s rizziest moment. Is it the way he flicks his hair out of his eyes when sketching the naked portrait? Is it hauling a fully-grown woman back aboard? Is it his ability to remain cool when everyone else is (rightfully) going to pieces? Is it his kindness to women and children even before the iceberg? No. I believe it’s when he’s watching Rose in the lifeboat as she is lowered away from him, insisting that she save herself. As the distress flares sparkle behind his head, it makes perfect sense to die with him rather than live without. Can you imagine getting back on Hinge after that? Attempting to meet someone better? Impossible. Unbearable. Rose was right to jump.        

1. Tommy Ryan 

   If you thought Jack Dawson was going to be top of the pile, you were almost right. But no one on the RMS Titanic holds even a fraction of the rizz that noble Irish superhunk Tommy Ryan does. Eight-year-old Alanna has never fully recovered from Tommy Ryan and Jack Dawson ripping a bolted bench away from the ground with their bare hands and using it as a battering ram to save the countless ‘third-class’ women and children who, in Tommy’s words, were “locked up in here like animals”. Defender of women, children and the working class, Tommy Ryan is the official King of Rizz aboard the Titanic.