You’re not for everyone
Lessons from Lorde's new album
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As I write this, I’ve just returned from a 12-mile hike to the Shepherd’s Hut I’m staying in in the Sussex countryside. If you’ve been a reader of this newsletter for a while, you’ll know how much I prioritise spending time alone—both as an indulgence (this particular Shepherds Hut has a king-size bed, wood burner, and hot shower), but also as an exercise in independence. After all, it was not so long ago that a woman like me wasn’t allowed to own a bank account, let alone indulge herself in a fancy solo trip for little else than pleasure. Independence is something we learn, not something we’re born with. And, in my case at least, I have to keep exercising the muscle in order to feel liberated by my solitude, rather than embarrassed by it.
I used the long, solitary hours on today’s hike for some much-needed thinking time, but I also used it to listen to Lorde’s new album ‘Virgin’ from start to finish. It’s been a while since an album has had me shaking my head in quiet awe, and wanting to follow the lyrics along like a child of the ‘90s with a CD insert. She really is a force, isn’t she? An absolute powerhouse of human emotion and all its shamefaced, brave, enduring spirit.
One lyric from her song Shapeshifter struck a particular chord with me. “I’ve been the prize, the ball and chain…I’ve been the siren, been the saint.” As I walked my way over the curves and edges of the South Downs Way, I played that track over and over. Isn’t that message so true? Perhaps obvious, but when written as beautifully as Lorde has, the idea felt completely new again.
It made me think of how, out there in the world, there are people who would give their right hand to have me as their romantic partner again. And (no less true) by contrast, there are people out there who have found me romantically disappointing—perhaps I’d been unable to live up to the dating app version of myself, or I was simply not their cup of tea.
Full disclosure, I had this happen to me not too long ago. Someone told me, kindly enough, that I wasn’t what they were after in a romantic way. It hurt, but it was my ego that took the hit, rather than my heart. My friends took a similar stance: what on earth? Who wouldn’t want you? Who better than you?
And yet, isn’t that idea so ridiculous that it becomes slapstick? One person in the world doesn’t want me, and I immediately take it personally, forgetting all the ones that do, or better yet, the army of platonic love around me that has chosen my company over and over for decades and decades. And, removing myself from the equation entirely, how can we ever expect to have a 100% success rate when it comes to people wanting us? Wouldn’t the world be one big salacious orgy?
As Lorde so eloquently puts it, we can be both prize and ball and chain depending on who’s looking at us. The notion that it’s possible to be universally desired is as unrealistic as the notion that we are universally good or bad in bed. The fact of the matter is, no matter how much we are for certain people, none of us is for everyone.
I think the better and more casually we understand that, the more robust we can be in the face of romantic possibility. What I can say for myself is that the moment I began to feel like someone’s ball and chain rather than someone’s prize, I called it out, then left. While it’s entirely understandable to not be everything for everyone, you also don’t have to surround yourself with anything less than prizeworthy if you don’t want to.
We try people on for size every day - in love, sex, work, and friendships - but the beauty of that is we get to keep only what fits.
UGH 🤌 I love this!! I've not listened to Lorde's new album yet but this is promotion enough for me.
I hope you had a great time away too. I had last week off work and spent the days on my own, doing as I pleased - I've not taken a solo trip in a while but I can't wait for my next one!
Absolutely love this Alanna! Yes rejection in dating can feel shit and so easy to take it personally but also a total blessing - “thank you for making space, my friend”. Also helpful to go into situations or dates thinking are they a good partner for me? rather than do they think I’m a good partner for them? Helpful way to stay in your power, be true to yourself and not shape shift into their ideal woman. Easy trap to fall into!!