Ask Alanna: a partner once implied I was boring in bed. How do I get my confidence back?

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Q: A former boyfriend of mine used to tease me that I was boring in bed—he’d often say mean little comments about me being unadventurous or unconfident, which obviously made me feel less able to feel sexy around him. We’ve been broken up for quite a few years now, but the comments he made have stayed with me, and I still worry that I’m not great in bed. How do I get my confidence back?

A: I was going to begin by saying that nobody is unanimously bad in bed, but I’m not sure I believe that anymore. I think people can be bad in bed, but not because they lack confidence or kinkiness. People can be bad in bed if they’re selfish, uncommunicative, unemotional, or watch too much hardcore porn. 

To me, it sounds as though your partner was objectively much worse in bed than you were. Because you’re right, how we act in bed is a product of who we’re with—you’re not going to want to open yourself up to the vulnerable act of experimentation if you’re with someone who keeps begging you for reverse cowgirl while also implying you’re a bit of a sexual wet wipe. On the contrary, that’s going to make you emotionally coil up like a spring. 

But to go back to my original comment, if we put aside the obvious traits that make someone genuinely bad in bed, the idea that good sex equals crazy sex is pretty tired. I’ve written about this before but it always annoyed me, when watching shows like Love Island, the way the girls get called boring for admitting they enjoy missionary, while the men think it’s the height of virility to come up with some position no one’s ever heard of (“You’ve never done The Flying Dutchman??”*) as though good sex is a level in a game they’ve unlocked, and the rest of us are stuck at Level 1 having a terrible, unfulfilling time.    

*Okay I made that one up…

In life as in sex, some people bring out a more open side of you—inexplicably allowing you to be vulnerable, honest, and - most importantly - to feel safe. In certain people, this might stimulate a new side of you that is more sexually adventurous. But it also might not, and that’s fine, too! There’s so much discourse around not kink-shaming people, but we have to remember that the same is true of people who want their sex lives to be loving, conventional and romantic only. If that’s you, then own it. Because that kind of sex can be just as rewarding—and explosive!  

You say your confidence has been knocked, and I don’t blame you. But I think it might help to rewrite the script in this situation. As women, too often, we prioritise being attractive rather than attracted. On dates, for instance, we fret over whether they like us without scrutinising whether we like them. It sounds like you’ve internalised these nasty comments without holding up a mirror to his behaviour and whether or not you think he’s good in bed. Do you? Because he doesn’t sound it!

In some long-forgotten draft of a novel, I once wrote that sex isn’t a performance, but a conversation. And I still feel that way now. There is no good or bad in bed, only human connection. And I can’t wait for you to find a connection that suits you so much more. 

Lots of Love,

Alanna ❤️

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