Is it ever okay to be friends with an ex?
This is a clickbait title. The answer is obviously yes…
Anyone who reads this newsletter regularly - or knows me in real life - will know that I’ve gotten into running in the last handful of months, probably to an annoying degree (look, I’m single and in my early thirties, let me have my stereotypical crisis in peace, okay?).
Since deciding that, actually, running isn’t complete torture but quite fun, I downloaded Strava, where I now diligently record all my activities and share pictures of the beautiful countryside scenery I run through. The funny thing is, somehow, I’ve managed to accumulate at least FOUR old romantic flames as Strava followers. I find this especially funny because (as the world’s biggest fusspot) I don’t even have that many old romantic flames in my life, yet here several of them are, giving me the occasional thumbs up on my afternoon 5k.
In a previous relationship, my partner found it odd that I still spent time with people I used to date. But he was from London, and I am from Brighton. And, in a city the size of Brighton, if you don’t make amends and get on with people you used to be romantic with, you’ll find yourself hiding behind bushes and avoiding parties almost every week! But that’s not the only reason I have friends who were once more than that.
For me, maturing is realising that some people are better suited to be my friend than something more, and that those people don’t automatically lose their value after the romance has died. I have three male friends who, though I don’t see them particularly regularly, I still value and think are wonderful people. And yep, I’ve had romantic periods with each of them. There were reasons we connected, and - as long as no one is languishing in unrequited feelings - it’s actually really nice to keep those connections, and bring them into our new, evolved worlds.
“The natural outcome of lost love is not always hate.”
Don’t get me wrong, there are just as many (more, actually) former flames who have very much lost the right to call me a friend, ask for my advice, or be in my life anymore. But those examples simply reiterate to me that there need not be a blanket ban on everyone just for the sake of it. The natural outcome of lost love is not always hate.
I was reading an advice post from the company Bellesa the other day, and the poster was concerned that her new boyfriend was still friends with his ex-girlfriend. “He’s still best friends with his ex, and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. They were together for a really long time, so I get that there’s history, but they still text almost daily,” they wrote.
While it’s totally human to feel a level of jealousy when coming into an uncharted situation like this, the boyfriend - who said he shouldn’t have to erase someone from his life just because the poster is uncomfortable - does have a point. Falling in love with someone doesn’t earn us the right to dictate who they spend their time with. The key here would be to build trust in your new relationship so that you can withstand, and even come to participate in, whatever connection they have with their old partner.
I found it gratifying, however, that the most-liked comment under the post was from someone who said, “My boundary is that I don’t date people who don’t want me to be friends with my exes. I am friends with many exes, and they are important people in my life, platonically. It’s a red flag to me when people insist that’s impossible.” I wonder if it’s a sign of our times that people are less rigid about exes than they were ten, or even five years ago, when being friends with an ex by cultural standards was seen as almost inevitably dodgy. Given how many people now believe in ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships, being friendly with an old lover seems pretty unexciting by comparison.
That said, I do think that time plays a really important role in our ability to be friends with exes. It’s incredibly hard to glide seamlessly from one place to another, and I think - in all the examples in my life where I’ve managed it - it’s only with years of romantic absence under our belts.
Of course, there will inevitably be situations where exes are friends under the guise of wanting to get back together—or worse, not wanting to get back together but wanting one party to remain in love for ego’s sake. But again, we can’t tar every situation with the same brush. My friends are my friends now. Do I sometimes run a little faster and longer knowing they’re watching? Sure. But the only pain that causes is the one in my leg muscles. And that’s a pain I’ve grown to enjoy…
What do you think? Have you managed to remain friends with an ex, or do you think you’re happier leaving them all in the past?
I dont think it always works out, for lots of reasons, but I was with my first boyfriend for eight years and we still try to catch up every couple of months. He still gets an invite to big family stuff and I'm pen pals with his niece who was born when we were together. Sometimes a shared history is too big a part of how you've grown into the person you are to just abandon because one form of love changes to another.
This is such a great piece Alanna! I actually dated one of my boyfriend's very good friends for a few months, about a year before Aid and I got together. We ended on good terms anyway, saying we'd still be friendly, and the fact we did has meant there's no bad blood between any of us. I wouldn't say he's a "friend" to me anymore, but more like a friend-in-law - it's not awkward if we see each other or if he comes round for drinks, and that makes us all so much more comfortable in what could be an absolutely horrendous situation 🤣