I don’t care if you’re in a “velcro relationship”. Don’t bring your boyfriend to brunch.

It's time to unpeel yourself, girl.

We love to coin a term that gets us out of doing something or being someone annoying, don’t we? Cancelling plans at the last minute becomes protecting our peace. Doing a thankless task for a friend in need is unpaid emotional labour. There’s a tremendous difference between cancelling plans because of chronic pain or fatigue, burnout, genuine mental unrest or illness, and just not being arsed. But we’ve managed to blur the lines so thoroughly that many of us are simply being a bit shit, and expecting to get away with it under the guise of some trendy new internet term. 

I love that Kim Cattrall quote as much as anyone, but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect to get through life being a decent person, lover, or friend if you can’t bear to do something that’s not entirely enjoyable or with yourself in mind. Caring for someone sick, for instance, or being there for someone when we’re feeling tired or grouchy ourselves. So, when someone announces that they’re in a “velcro relationship” - where essentially you do everything together, glued to the other like two strips of velcro until physically prised apart - I can’t help but think that it’s just another excuse to be selfish. 

I didn’t actually know what a velcro relationship was until it popped up in Stylist. A quote from someone in this kind of relationship read, “I spend every moment with my partner, electing to be with him over grabbing after-work drinks or going to the cinema with friends…controversially, I’ll even ask if I can bring him to your birthday party, or if you don’t mind him joining us for dinner.” Other summaries of velcro relationships include messaging each other at hourly intervals on a daily basis and never having more than a few minutes without some kind of communication with them. 

Your man? Here?

As someone who - even when in love - needs a lot of space and alone time to recharge, this level of dependency feels almost grotesque to me. But I'm aware that I fall on the far side of the spectrum when it comes to independence, so I’m happy to accept that, for some couples, this dynamic might bring them peace and comfort. My problem is when this kind of partnership entangles everyone else, pulling us all into a fuzzy ball of velcro, trapping us like flies to someone else’s sticky co-dependence.  

Last year, I was in a long-distance relationship where I had to travel to London from Brighton when I wanted to see my partner. But alongside this, I was also in many long-distance close friendships. This meant that I frequently had to juggle seeing friends and my partner during these short windows in London, all the while being aware of the value of alone time with each. It was a stressful situation to navigate, but even then, I knew the solution wasn’t simply to enmesh everyone together. One-to-one time with people is sacred, and - with women especially - some things simply can’t be discussed either in the company of men, or someone you don’t feel close enough with. 

Bringing your uninvited partner along to every meal, party, or event because of how much you love them disregards the fact that everyone else feels considerably less close to them. It’s Big Bird in the office meeting. They’re just not that entrenched in your friendship lore, and they likely haven’t earned the right to hear about your fears, problems, and intimate stories.  

Your boyfriend at brunch while we talk about endometriosis, voluntary celibacy, and Chappell Roan.

And besides, your partner is not some third limb you’ve grown and cannot remove—whether it pains you or not, you are physically able to spend time without them. I’d argue that refusing to do that is a sign that you’re becoming selfish with your time, and neglecting other relationships.

Without banging on my sandwich board too loudly, I’d also argue that a hearty dose of independence and time away from a partner is extremely healthy for any woman who feels she can’t go half an hour without hearing from them. Whether you stay together forever, or you go through an intensely raw breakup down the line, you’re not put on this earth solely to orbit someone else, or act like half a person—no matter how in love you are.     

I’ll close with one of my favourite quotes from Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller which says, “Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox.” The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.” 

So, please: turn some of your attention back into the world, and dare to be more than half of a whole. Velcro is for children anyway. Learn to tie your damn shoes.

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