This might be an area of life, where as you've pointed out, there is too much personal nuance to have a universal rule. People don't stop being attracted to each other, but lines do change depending on where you are in life. When in a committed relationship, there is a difference between being affectionately complimentary with a mutual and acting promiscuously. There aren't just boundaries with flirting to consider in such circumstances, but whether or not the foundation of the committed relationship is being stretched and pulled into something that doesn't meet that defintion anymore. If having fun is not as high a priority as a lifelong promise to another, you'll find a way to communicate that to each other without having to wholly comprimise on the joy of the company of friends either..
Loved this so much! It's so nice to see someone bringing this topic to the table, because it really is such a subjective one and there's no 'one size fits all'. As a flirtatious person myself, who has always felt a bit ashamed of it, I found that talking about this with your partner can help quite a lot. I don't NEED to flirt, and I've been perfectly okay in previous relationships where this, even though not discussed, has been totally out of the question—but having a partner now that loves that about me has helped me come to terms with it and feel less ashamed. As always, good communication and acceptance can go a long way!
This sounds great!! I’m happy you’ve found a way to compromise, because flirting shouldn’t be a sin and if it makes you happy and it’s hurting no one, why not do it?! X
That's a tough one because there are so many degrees of flirting and it's so hard to draw a line for me at what I would be ok with and what would bother me. I guess for me flirting if there is no genuine attraction or intention to do anything beyond flirting is fine. So flirting with friends is definitely fine as long as everyone is on the same page. Same with having some flirty banter with a bartender or someone you probably won't see again.
On a side note, as a queer woman growing up in the closet with flirty straight women friend around was like navigating a confusing minefield in my mind 😂.
Argh, I get that. I think it’s also (unfairly) something a lot of straight women to deliberately to queer women for a bit of an ego boost. But you’re right, intention is everything!!
Such an interesting read, Alanna! The first thing that came to mind for me is, if you fall for someone and love them for their harmlessly flirtatious nature, you can't expect that to stop once you become monogamous. I'm firmly in the "flirting is fun" camp but would never push the boundaries - tbh like you, I'm mainly flirting with my friends. And on that note, I find it SO attractive when my boyfriend flirts with his friends too.
Omg yes! This has happened to so many women I know. Men like how they act in the early flirty stages, then get pissed off when they realise that’s just part of their personality. Same, I personally like whoever I’m with to be a bit of a flirt—it’s like “Look how fanciable they are 🥹🥹”
I used to be in the “it is harmless” camp, but as I’ve gotten older, shockingly I’ve changed completely. I will not be super playful unless it is with someone I know and love in a trusted circumstance (best friend, etc). This has less to do with how I’m Perceived by my partner and more to do with responsibility of my energy. In the past people have had genuine feelings towards me that I had ZERO idea about and even less understanding about their depth. Not even trying to be naive, I truly didn’t know that they felt that way towards me, and a pattern is worth analyzing to see what, if any, role I played. I decided that I wanted to avoid that in the future and have changed the way I relate to most people. I am still friendly, yes. But flirty? No.
I am a barista. Flirting with customers gives my work life purpose and excitement and never extends past the confines of my workplace. It’s a fantasy. It brings joy to my day and joy to others days that harms no one. In a long term monogamous relationship, harmless flirting of this nature helps me connect with other people while I commit to another.
From a fellow Libra, flirting = playing. I love playful banter and thrive on it. It’s like fuel. That said, being married I don’t do it really unless with spouse but sometimes with friends too. I still like to be playful though in my conversations. That doesn’t go away.
This might be an area of life, where as you've pointed out, there is too much personal nuance to have a universal rule. People don't stop being attracted to each other, but lines do change depending on where you are in life. When in a committed relationship, there is a difference between being affectionately complimentary with a mutual and acting promiscuously. There aren't just boundaries with flirting to consider in such circumstances, but whether or not the foundation of the committed relationship is being stretched and pulled into something that doesn't meet that defintion anymore. If having fun is not as high a priority as a lifelong promise to another, you'll find a way to communicate that to each other without having to wholly comprimise on the joy of the company of friends either..
Nailed it! 👏🏼
Loved this so much! It's so nice to see someone bringing this topic to the table, because it really is such a subjective one and there's no 'one size fits all'. As a flirtatious person myself, who has always felt a bit ashamed of it, I found that talking about this with your partner can help quite a lot. I don't NEED to flirt, and I've been perfectly okay in previous relationships where this, even though not discussed, has been totally out of the question—but having a partner now that loves that about me has helped me come to terms with it and feel less ashamed. As always, good communication and acceptance can go a long way!
This sounds great!! I’m happy you’ve found a way to compromise, because flirting shouldn’t be a sin and if it makes you happy and it’s hurting no one, why not do it?! X
That's a tough one because there are so many degrees of flirting and it's so hard to draw a line for me at what I would be ok with and what would bother me. I guess for me flirting if there is no genuine attraction or intention to do anything beyond flirting is fine. So flirting with friends is definitely fine as long as everyone is on the same page. Same with having some flirty banter with a bartender or someone you probably won't see again.
On a side note, as a queer woman growing up in the closet with flirty straight women friend around was like navigating a confusing minefield in my mind 😂.
Argh, I get that. I think it’s also (unfairly) something a lot of straight women to deliberately to queer women for a bit of an ego boost. But you’re right, intention is everything!!
So wait, you have gorgeous hair and you flirt a lot? Favorite new substacker :p
I had a playful-flirtatious coworker about a decade ago. We treated each othet absolutely ridiculously and things were fine.
😂😂😂 thank you!
You're welcome!
Such an interesting read, Alanna! The first thing that came to mind for me is, if you fall for someone and love them for their harmlessly flirtatious nature, you can't expect that to stop once you become monogamous. I'm firmly in the "flirting is fun" camp but would never push the boundaries - tbh like you, I'm mainly flirting with my friends. And on that note, I find it SO attractive when my boyfriend flirts with his friends too.
Omg yes! This has happened to so many women I know. Men like how they act in the early flirty stages, then get pissed off when they realise that’s just part of their personality. Same, I personally like whoever I’m with to be a bit of a flirt—it’s like “Look how fanciable they are 🥹🥹”
I used to be in the “it is harmless” camp, but as I’ve gotten older, shockingly I’ve changed completely. I will not be super playful unless it is with someone I know and love in a trusted circumstance (best friend, etc). This has less to do with how I’m Perceived by my partner and more to do with responsibility of my energy. In the past people have had genuine feelings towards me that I had ZERO idea about and even less understanding about their depth. Not even trying to be naive, I truly didn’t know that they felt that way towards me, and a pattern is worth analyzing to see what, if any, role I played. I decided that I wanted to avoid that in the future and have changed the way I relate to most people. I am still friendly, yes. But flirty? No.
I am a barista. Flirting with customers gives my work life purpose and excitement and never extends past the confines of my workplace. It’s a fantasy. It brings joy to my day and joy to others days that harms no one. In a long term monogamous relationship, harmless flirting of this nature helps me connect with other people while I commit to another.
From a fellow Libra, flirting = playing. I love playful banter and thrive on it. It’s like fuel. That said, being married I don’t do it really unless with spouse but sometimes with friends too. I still like to be playful though in my conversations. That doesn’t go away.