How harmless is flirting in monogamy?
Oops, you think I'm in love...
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Did you know that flirting without realising you’re flirting is supposedly a trait of my star sign, Libra? While my (apparently) flirtatious nature may have been written in the stars, I think it’s more likely that I became a flirtatious person because of how I was raised—not by my family, but by my friends.
The bog-standard definition of flirting is to behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions. If this is the case, my friends and I are constantly flirting with one another—and have been for decades. The compliments we give and the language we use with each other are loaded with attraction and adoration. To a resolutely non-flirtatious brain, we probably do sound like we’re in love with each other, but it’s rarely - if ever - gotten us into any trouble.
I use the word apparently above because I’m not even convinced I am that flirtatious. Rather, I have been told I am, usually by people I am romantically connected with who likely have a more alert ear for it than I do. Perhaps astrology is real, considering I’m clearly unaware of the flirty vibes I’m shovelling out into the world (classic Libra…).
But the very nature and seriousness of flirting is hotly disputed. Some people think flirting is as natural to the social order as laughing or crying; it’s simply something human beings do. Others take a much harder line, condemning even the most half-hearted flirtatious acts while in a monogamous partnership as cheating.
The fact is, everyone’s take on harmless versus harmful flirting falls on a scale. And, at some point within monogamy, one will cross even the most liberal line. But if there are no black-and-white answers for what is safe flirtation and what is dangerous, how might monogamous couples meet in the middle?
I really enjoyed listening to the pop culture podcast, Everything is Content, where hosts
and were discussing flirting. When asked by Beth if she was a flirt, Oenone replied, “Oh, I’m such a big flirt. Luckily, I’ve always gone out with men who’ve understood that about me. But I would flirt with your grandma if she got near enough. It’s my natural inclination.”This resonated with me because there have been many times when I’ve acted flirtatiously with someone I am clearly not romantically attracted to. On my last birthday, for instance, a much older Italian woman kept calling me Angelina Jolie in a bar in Brighton. Obviously, five martinis down, I utterly loved her, and couldn’t stop telling her how gorgeous she was in return. Here, the act of flirting was without any kind of forward plan or hopeful reward. It was just flirting for the fun of being alive…and having a large olive in my drink.
Perhaps then, harmful versus harmless flirting boils down to perceived outcome. When we flirt to create joy - either for ourselves or those we’re flirting with - it can be as innocent or caregiving as a kind word or platonic hug. But if we flirt with intent, to cause a shift in the romantic dynamic between ourselves and others, that’s when flirting may - depending on your relationship rules - become something more concerning.
Reflecting on some of my favourite couples that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing over the years, many of them have been mutually flirtatious. Close friends and their boyfriends, people I’ve met at parties, people’s happily married parents. I’ll admit, it has planted a seed of an idea in me that, to a certain degree, flirting outside of your relationship can be healthy. A benefit, rather than a hindrance.
I am monogamous in relationships. I have a lot of respect and curiosity about polyamory or ethical non-monogamy, but it’s not something I’m interested in doing myself. But because I’m happy to commit to that one person (I also have a completely clean record when it comes to cheating), I do think that should allow for a healthy dose of flirting, considering that’s all you’re ever going to do. Calling an older woman gorgeous. Accepting a drink bought for you. Giggling with your handsome barista. I do fall into the camp of people who simply see these things as part of a fun, dynamic social life.
Then again, as one level-headed friend always reminds me, just because I feel a way about something, doesn't mean that’s the unanimously correct take. While it’s obviously useful to - as Oenone has always done - find someone who matches, or at least accepts, your flirty energy, the only other option is to communicate about how flirting makes you feel. That doesn’t mean relinquishing your flirty ways forever, but it might mean exploring the kind of flirting you engage with, and considering where you draw that line to ensure you’re living your best fun and flirty life without hurting anyone’s feelings…or inviting trouble in.
What do you think? Are you a fan of frivolous flirting, or do you think flirting should be saved for your partner only?
This might be an area of life, where as you've pointed out, there is too much personal nuance to have a universal rule. People don't stop being attracted to each other, but lines do change depending on where you are in life. When in a committed relationship, there is a difference between being affectionately complimentary with a mutual and acting promiscuously. There aren't just boundaries with flirting to consider in such circumstances, but whether or not the foundation of the committed relationship is being stretched and pulled into something that doesn't meet that defintion anymore. If having fun is not as high a priority as a lifelong promise to another, you'll find a way to communicate that to each other without having to wholly comprimise on the joy of the company of friends either..
Loved this so much! It's so nice to see someone bringing this topic to the table, because it really is such a subjective one and there's no 'one size fits all'. As a flirtatious person myself, who has always felt a bit ashamed of it, I found that talking about this with your partner can help quite a lot. I don't NEED to flirt, and I've been perfectly okay in previous relationships where this, even though not discussed, has been totally out of the question—but having a partner now that loves that about me has helped me come to terms with it and feel less ashamed. As always, good communication and acceptance can go a long way!