Why are men MORE likely to cheat on pregnant women?
And why (given the statistics) are we still so shocked?
If you enjoy this newsletter, consider pressing the ❤️ button at the end of the article. It allows more people to find my work!
Earlier this month, Machine Gun Kelly allegedly cheated on his on-off partner Megan Fox, who is currently pregnant with their first child. While neither Kelly nor Fox has publicly commented on the news, it’s been reported that Fox found text messages involving other women on Kelly’s phone, and has since decided to leave him.
Culturally, we tend to think of men cheating on pregnant women as being shocking and reprehensible. But studies show that men are actually more likely to cheat on a pregnant partner than a non-pregnant partner. A fairly alarming 10% of men will cheat on their partners during pregnancy, and research has found that the risk of men cheating actually grows alongside the fetus. The bigger the belly, the higher the chance of infidelity.
Nowhere are these statistics more prevalent than in celebrity circles. There are countless examples to accompany Fox and Kelly. In 2022, Maroon Five frontman Adam Levine was accused of cheating on his Victoria’s Secret model wife, Behati Prinsloo, while she was pregnant with their child. His alleged mistress even said Levine planned to name the unborn baby after her. Then, of course, there is Tristan Thompson who seemed to cheat on his former partner, Khloe Kardashian, with an almost relentless enthusiasm—once while she was pregnant with their first child. Kevin Hart did the same to Eniko Parrish, Offset to Cardi B, Flavio Briatore to Heidi Klum. Shocking? Yes. Rare? Not so much.
It’s interesting to note that, while pregnant women cheating on their partners is not unheard of, it is statistically far less likely. The physical and hormonal changes women go through during pregnancy make it harder, and men are also less likely to have casual or extramarital sex with a woman who is obviously pregnant.
In Western society - particularly in the USA - pregnant women are seen as exceptionally precious and revered. As Gillian Flynn says in her bestselling novel, Gone Girl, “Americans like what is easy, and it's easy to like pregnant women - they're like ducklings or bunnies or dogs.” When a woman is attacked or murdered by a man, we see it as acutely more terrible if she is pregnant—because it is no longer just her own life at stake. And yet, if this is how we feel about pregnant women as a society, why can’t we extend that concern to fidelity?
There are many reasons why men cheat on their pregnant partners, all of them fairly predictable. When a woman falls pregnant, often her sex drive decreases, so men look for satisfaction elsewhere. Some see their partner in a different light when they are pregnant, no longer able to view them as a wife but only a mother. They may also panic about the finality and permanence of fatherhood, causing a knee-jerk response towards cheating. And then, there is the general resistance to change. They are no longer the sole contender for their partner’s heart. And on top of that, their partner may be uncharacteristically tired, irritable, or distracted.
This theory is shared by Noel Biderman, the founder of the controversial extra-marital hookup site Ashley Madison, who says, “Most men start thinking about being unfaithful right amongst that change in life [pregnancy]. This is when we’re seeing them log into our service in millions—we’re talking about in droves—looking to explore their first-ever affair. They’re saying, “I never thought I would do this before, but oh my god, it’s been nine months. She seems to love the child more than me.””
In an article in The Cut this week, psychologist Dr Lilly Jay described the feeling of disbelief after her partner and childhood sweetheart, Ethan Slater, left her for Ariana Grande only months after giving birth to their first child together, “As a perinatal psychologist, I knew all the statistics - how vulnerable a marriage is in the postpartum period, how vital community connection is in preventing depression and anxiety, how parenthood impacts a whole family - but…consumed by the magic and mundanity of motherhood, I didn’t understand the growing distance between us.”
To many of us - women especially - the idea of our partner cheating at the time when we need them most, both physically and emotionally, feels nothing short of villainous. No matter the stats or the urges, cheating on a pregnant partner is not something that can be forgiven easily, and it certainly shouldn’t be up to the pregnant woman to try and force herself to be more vivacious, easy-going or sexually active during this time.
But given that, in an ideal world, none of us would go through the trauma of being cheated on while pregnant, is there anything we can do to avoid being in that 10%? Studying the above statistics and experiences, it seems that much of this kind of cheating comes from a place of absolute shock. Too many men don’t know what they’re getting themselves into when it comes to pregnancy. They don’t know what it does to a body, to a social life, to a sex life. Men often prepare themselves for the financial burden of parenthood, but they need to invest as much preparation and thoughtfulness in the emotional and physical burdens, too.
As a man, if you can’t face a sexual drought, you’re not ready to be a father. If you’re not ready to see your partner’s body change - possibly forever - you’re not ready to be a father. If you are in an agreed monogamous relationship and you feel you cannot remain committed through this exceptionally trying time, you’re not ready to be a father.
Remember: it’s far better to postpone or avoid fatherhood altogether than grit your teeth and wade in, unprepared and unenthused. It’s okay to realise it’s not for you.
What’s not okay is blindly and naively committing to something without truly thinking, learning and researching the gravity of what pregnancy entails and how many lives your infidelity may ruin. Because, as mentioned, it’s not just your partner’s life you’re upending. It’s your child’s, too.
Feeling festive? 🎄 Why not give your loved ones something that won’t end up in the attic or in a landfill? Gift them a subscription to SILT:
My wife and I have 2 grown kids. I never would have dreamed of cheating on her when she was pregnant, after the kids were born, or at any other time. Being a dad has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. These guys who cheat on their pregnant partners are shallow jerks in my opinion.
Relationships are based on trust. During this life-changing period, both partners are understandably stressed. It’s healthy and necessary to share feelings of anxiety and frustration. On the other hand, acting out on those feelings by shirking responsibilities (absentee, presentee, online or in-person cheating) is not excusable as stress-response! Don’t judge feelings, as they are spontaneous, but we are responsible for our actions and impact on others. Make a promise, keep the promise. Betrayal and withdrawal are selfish choices that prioritize our own happiness over others (mother, child) who are vulnerable and need support from their family and partners.
We need to raise more gentlemen who are comfortable with teamwork, open communications, instead of fight or flight, bottling up feelings then erupt like a volcano, hurting themselves or others. Peace everyone.