Do men think it’s cool to be in love?
Or is being cool something they sacrifice to be openly, publicly affectionate?
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I stumbled across an endearing post on Instagram the other day; a popular London-based male journalist had published a photo of his girlfriend in honour of her birthday. He’d chosen a photo where her face was bathed in golden light, and the caption similarly glowed in praise of her—explaining how being in love with her was a blessing, how life was richer and more beautiful for having her in it. It made me happy, but it also made me contemplate how rare it is to see such an open, heartfelt display of affection shared by a straight - and objectively “cool” - man.
When deep, assuring, reciprocal love presents itself, it’s nearly impossible for anyone - male or otherwise - to see it as anything other than good. But I sometimes wonder if too many heterosexual men love in spite of themselves, seeing love’s ache as a pitch injury to be walked off or played down.
Of course it’s not so different for women. In my twenties, I constantly restrained the feelings of intimacy and affection that sprouted up after spending time with certain people. I was forever trying to downplay them, even to myself. It wasn’t until lockdown when my father became very ill and was defibrillated back to life that I began to realise that love and coolness are Venn diagrams that rarely meet, and that love’s circle takes up infinitely more space on the page. I mean really—so what if I love loudly and unrestrainedly? What greater reason is there to keep one’s heart pumping if not our love for other people?
I suppose the difference is, culturally, men are celebrated by other men for remaining unattached, whereas women are ostracised for the same. While “cool” might not be the best word to describe what it is to be in a relationship as a woman, it certainly shields you from pity. Not to mention how we assume women in relationships are doing better than those without in the same way that we make assumptions about people based on their clothing, friends, jobs, haircuts and other quantifiably cool things.
I don’t want to do that thing where we reward men for the bare minimum, but I’ll admit I inwardly cheer when any straight, cis man openly celebrates his being in love on social media. I think there’s an element of bravery in it, not because the heterosexual act of love is necessarily brave (it is, in fact, so normalised in culture that one must often stifle a yawn over it), but because of the vitriol men are subjected to when they open themselves up to vulnerability, or anything that society sees as feminine. For further reading on this, Google the word “simp”.
But it’s not only online where men are held back by patriarchal limitations on expressions of love. In many ways, I think it’s a blessing that women don’t hear what’s said about the relationships they’re in when they’re not around. I think it would hurt, but I also don’t think it’s true. I can think of countless times when I’ve asked male acquaintances about their partners or love lives, only to have them wave them away as unimportant or unserious. I don’t believe these men actually feel this way about their relationships, they simply bend under the pressure of wanting to remain unattached, unemotional, and - by association - cool.
bell hooks writes about this in All About Love, saying, “Although so many boys are taught to behave as though love does not matter, in their hearts they yearn for it. That yearning does not go away simply because they become men…To embrace patriarchy, they must actively surrender the longing to love.”
It’s a sad situation, but one that can be rebelled against. Men are not bound to suppress their loving natures, and - like I did five years ago - it’s possible to choose to be more openly vulnerable and less careful with one’s affection. For those of us who don’t see stereotypically “masculine” traits as indicators of a decent partner (which is most women, I’d wager) this unabashed willingness to be openly loving makes a person infinitely more attractive—as it does in friendships, family dynamics, and even interactions with strangers. When it comes from a place of purest intention, there really is no such thing as being too compassionate, too kind, too loving.
I’m no expert on the inner workings of men’s minds, and it’s worth mentioning that they’re not a monolith. Alongside the aforementioned journalist, I know a precious handful of straight men who are openly, outwardly in love with their partners—but realistically not that many, and nowhere near as many as the women I know who are.
All I know is that one of the most romantic gifts I’ve given myself over the years has been letting go of my ego when it comes to love—to let myself be seen to try, fail, briefly succeed, then try again. While I’ve written this piece with men in mind, actually, everyone can benefit from the endearingly clumsy act of loving in spaces where others will witness it. And when compared to coolness - both in the social and emotional sense of the word - the rewards we reap from it are immeasurably more precious, and worth being proud of.
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Being in love is much cooler than anything else. All that shit is fake "cool "
The men proud of their partners makes me think about how sitcoms seem to love portray man in love. Like phil dunphy in modern family. Marshall in how I met your mother. Ben in parks and rec. Jake in Brooklyn 99... I feel like it's a genre that does (or at least tries) make being head over hills in love look cool for men.